Song Of The Week (?): Big Decision

So a long time ago, I started a blog with a regular posting of an often random "Song of the Week." For whatever reason, I totally abandoned that blog, but I've started this new one. I'm considering bringing back that Song of the Week thing, though. Anyway, I wrote a post for a forum at my church listening to this song (and about this song), and I've pasted it below. (Oh, and yes, that album artwork is kind of strange.):

***
Made a big decision;
Think I left you out...
Got a lot of problems;
Think I'll work it out...

For whatever reason, Apple just gets me. I know all my iPod can do is shuffle the songs I've put on there myself, but sometimes the selection is just so perfect that you have to sit back, right where you are, and smile.

Monday night, I was finishing one of the worst shifts ever at work. We were totally beat at the end of the night. I mean there were books and magazines everywhere, carts of new products to put out, and it was a chore night, too. I was closing with three women, and being the gentleman I aspire to be, that meant I had to do all of those chores myself. I don't make a habit out of complaining at work, but I just felt terrible when I walked through the front doors. I was exhausted from a nearly sleepless night of homework and readings for a class I don't really like. (If all this sounds really negative, you can already see where I'm headed.) I ran through a busy four hours to reach my glorious lunch break, but when I got to my car, all I could do was sit. I needed a break. I don't know why, but the whirlwind of the past few weeks just kind of hit me sitting in that hot car, the air so thick with sweltering Texas heat that you could feel it move around you. I had made a big decision, an acceptance of a momentous shift in my life, and it had just occurred to me that I was making a similar mistake to all the times I had tried to change in the past. All those attempts ended in failure for one reason: I was trying to do it on my own.

So imagine my surprise when a song I had totally forgotten about -- called “Big Decision,” no less -- pops on my iPod right as I'm filling the mop bucket. I don't know if anybody is familiar with Damien Jurado, a kindergarten schoolteacher who dabbles in folk and pop on the side, often with many other talented artists, including the Christian band Starflyer 59. (If you're not, you can look him up on the Wikipedia -- hat tip to Pastor Sharrow -- or check him out above.) If you haven't heard him, his voice sounds like it's coming from a warped record playing through a dented speaker, but it has a haunting beauty in its imperfections. Anyway, the song is beautiful, and it made me realize as I did my chores that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I couldn't save myself. I never could.  Realizing that -- even right there, filling the bucket with a nearly disastrous mix of degreaser and lime remover -- was an incredible experience. I've seen more progress in my Christian walk in the past month than I can recall really in the past couple of years.

Obedience can be difficult, though, and you miss things when you're stubborn, when you tell God you'll follow Him without Him. I think it's even worse when you're stubborn and cynical. I realized sitting in my car during my lunch break, in a few precious minutes that seemed like much longer, that my repeated failures had made me the worst kind of cynic -- a young one. When you get older, there's a common expectation (or misconception) that you're supposed to be miserable, or at least grumpy. But I've become unhappy at 22. I drive to almost everywhere angry. I'm a grump to my parents for no reason at all. I spot insignificant mistakes in anything and feel the need to comment. And it's clear that all this has developed from my own problems and insecurities.

My girlfriend and I shared a very intimate conversation the other day regarding salvation. I know she's been praying for me to make a real change for a long time, and it's only now becoming a reality. She showed me I Timothy 4:12. “Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” I haven't been able to get that verse out of my head. What does it mean to be young? What is it about our age that makes us an important example for other believers? (You can even take it a step further. What does this ministry mean to others? What can it offer? But, I digress...) When you're young, you're rash, bullheaded. You make mistakes out of haste, out of eagerness. You can also find yourself in that middle ground between the wide-eyed faith of a child and the close-minded skepticism that captures many adults. But the verse clearly identifies what makes us special. It is our life, our experience. It's our love for one another. It's our faith. And, like what we've discussed this week, it's our purity. Isaiah 40:31 is mentioned all the time, even in passing, but it's for good reason. “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” We are only examples when we rely on him. We can only fly through his strength. In short, we cannot write our own story.

I've made a big decision recently, but it's a new one. It's not a guess anymore. It's a commitment before God. And for once in my life, I feel like I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons surrounded by the right people. I apologize if this admittedly long post seemed like rambling, but God had done a sudden and great thing in my life in the past few days. And what's a story if it never gets told?