8 posts tagged “love”
Jen likes to call this her "golden year." She's turning 25 on the 25th. That only happens once. (Obviously.) But it's more than that. She just finished her first year of teaching. She won first year teacher of the year at th elementary school where she teaches. She even wrote the school song! She got engaged, which I had a little something to do with. She's going to get married. I could go on and on and on. She's pretty amazing. And all in all, 2009 is going to be a pretty amazing year for her (and me).
Since it's going to be such a great one, I thought I'd give her something different. I recorded this M. Ward cover on GarageBand today, and it's nothing special. It's just a quiet guitar song, lyrics half-nonsense and easy melodies. But I've never had the chance to sing just for her, and I wanted to use this medium to preserve what I recorded. Years from now, when I laugh at my naivete at thinking I could record this song, I hope that I don't look back in regret. I hope I don't look at this time in my life with Jennifer as better days. May I always sing for her with the kind of youthful abandon I put into the recording and posting of this little song. May I always love her like she deserves to be loved.
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Oh, and about that artwork. If you've seen Scrubs, you may have heard the nickname "Chocolate Bear." One of my good buddies calls me that, and I made this fake album cover a few years ago on Photoshop as a joke. That explains the name, but don't ask me about the clouds. I don't remember what that was about...
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Psalm 104:24 (ESV)
O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Last week, the usual breakfast gang at La Bandera Molina was discussing a characteristically wide assortment of subjects. Though much of what we talked about could be called frivolous, if not harmlessly entertaining (sports, music, television, etc.), our conversation eventually turned toward more weighty thoughts. What is popular culture? How can and should Christians interact with it? What makes certain aspects of it so enjoyable?
Colossians 1:21-23 (ESV, emphasis added)
And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister.
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Thursdays and Fridays are my days for research work. I camp out in the Starbucks at UTSA, and I'll spend ten hours there, most of it spent looking up immigration statistics. Every day I'm in there, I'll watch as the people stand in the swelling line, waiting impatiently or just giving up and going to class. Sometimes I'll spot friends. Sometimes I'll say hello to a stranger. This Friday, I saw an old friend walk in, who I recognized from his visits to my old place of employment, a local Barnes & Noble. He saw me when he walked in and sat by me to study for a test. We talked for a while, and he asked if I was going off campus for some lunch. I said I was planning on it, so we decided to grab some Bill Miller's. All of this was uneventful, a surprising bit of spontaneity in an otherwise boring day. There was one small problem, though. For the life of me, I could not recall this guy's name.
I was pretty hungry and really didn't mind getting some food with a friend (or in this case, an acquaintance), so in spite of my forgetfulness, we went for some lunch in his truck. It was a bit awkward for me, but I did my best to mask it as we drove the five minutes or so from campus to barbecue stop. We ordered, I got the usual #4 (a BM trademark: fried chicken, perfectly brewed sweet tea, a superfluous roll, greasy fries, and cup of gravy), and we sat down toward the back of the surprisingly busy eatery. It was, like the day, turning into a non-event. We chatted about my old job, what he's doing now, and we ate some food. My friend's phone rang, and he paused to ask if he could take the call. I didn't mind, so while he talked, I looked around. Construction crew to my left, checking out the manager. Students to my left, laughing about a class. But right next to my table was something I didn't expect to impact me the way it did.
Directly to my left was a gentleman, probably in his mid-fifties. Hair thinning, wide-frame glasses, short-sleeved button up shirt, and eating alone. This in itself wasn't a big deal. There were other people eating alone, and on the other side of our table was a UTSA student eating by himself reading the newspaper. But the older gentleman to my right was not reading anything. He was totally alone. And he was talking to himself.
I don't know what it was about that moment in Bill Miller's, but my eyes kept glancing over at the man. It wasn't out of curiosity, either. I have seen many people talk to themselves. I do it on occasion when I'm working. My dad used to say that people sometimes talk to themselves because they want to have an intelligent conversation. I wondered if this was the case. But as I sat there, I felt a tug on my heart. I felt something looking at this man. Not pity. Not sadness in what appeared to be his loneliness. Neither was it pride. I was not happy to be there, talking to someone I was only hazily acquainted with. What I felt was a pull, a push, a nudge. I knew right then and there that I had to go over to the man and show him love. I just had to show him that somebody noticed him. Somebody cared.
But I didn't. I just sat there. My mind raced to think about all the ways I could do something for this man. Write “Jesus Loves You” on a napkin and give it to him. Shake his hand, ask how he is doing. But I didn't do a thing. I'd like to say I looked at him and at least smiled and nodded, but I did nothing of the sort. I was too embarrassed in front of someone I didn't really even know to go out of my way and answer a call that I knew I heard. It was one of those rare moments that you know means something, and I chose to do nothing. I let it pass.
The thing is, I should know better. Just the night before, I had one of the best experiences at a Bible study I've ever had. My “life group” was going over the last session of our study, and we went around the room telling each person why we valued their company, why we were thankful for their friendship. The one thing that every person said about me was that I had the ability to talk and open things up, to engage people in the kinds of conversations that make them feel really involved.
So there I was, sitting in Bill Miller's, with the opportunity to thank God for that ability while serving His glory. There really wasn't much of a difference between me and the man to my right. We both talk. We both have something to say. Seeing his lips move, engaging someone in conversation who wasn't there, I was sure I had to talk to him. Maybe he's talking to someone who was there and left. Maybe he's talking to someone who should be there and isn't. What I saw was a companion, another soul with a heart ready to open up, and I left him by the side of the road. If I have been blessed, it isn't really with the ability to talk. Anyone can talk. God has blessed me, above all, with an audience, with the courage or naivety to put myself out there and think people will listen. But what good is a gift if you avoid it? To what good are God's blessings if I hide them in the soil? And that's exactly what I did. I put them underground, kidding myself that I was doing the greater good by talking to this guy I had talked to dozens of times before and never thought it important enough to get his phone number to invite him to church.
I couldn't get the wasted opportunity out of my mind all weekend. It was on my mind Friday afternoon, when the college ministry had its “guys night.” It was on my mind the next morning when I picked up my fiance. It's still on my mind. I know God doesn't need me. If that lonely man needs to be reached, God will find a way. But I know what I need. I need God. I need His opportunities. I need His moments. I need His courage to answer those tugs, to grow into something other than a shy investor. I need His love to fill the holes in my callous heart.
If nothing else, this passing moment lingers with a purpose, and I will forever recall this painful memorial as a sign of how blatant God's calls can be and how real my shortcomings are. His opportunities will come, no matter how hard in our vaporous minds we may try to explain them away. Don't let those moments go without leaving you changed.
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This Tuesday, my fiance and I will be participating in the first annual (?) Open Mic Night at Amplify, Gracepoint's College/Career Ministry. We'll be doing this duet, an adaptation of Psalm 23 by Jon Foreman, of Switchfoot fame. Foreman's solo work is surprisingly different from his Switchfoot material. It's not better or worse, just different. Where Switchfoot is indie/alternative for stadiums and radios, Foreman's four "seasons EPs" are for quiet rooms and vinyl players. I'll be doing my best to fill in for Foreman while Jennifer very capably sings in place of the original's Sarah Masen. If you're free on Tuesday around 7:30, come check us and the other acts out at Amplify. I'm pretty sure you'll have a great time. Pretty sure.
In any case, here's what Apple's Genius program spit out for a playlist this week. You might notice it's a bit shorter than the last list; there was a lot of random stuff in the iTunes output this go around. Anyway, this should do:
"The House of God, Forever"
Jon Foreman
"Sunset Soon Forgotten"
Iron & Wine
"Proof" (B-side from the "Speed Of Sound" single)
Coldplay
"Remember Me As A Time Of Day"
Explosions In The Sky
"Oh Sister" (Bob Dylan cover)
Andrew Bird
"California"
Rogue Wave
"You Are The Best Thing"
Ray La Montagne
"I Am Still Running"
Jon Foreman
"Blue Sky Blues"
Ryan Adams
"Window Blues"
Band Of Horses
"For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti"
Sufjan Stevens
"Grazed Knees"
Snow Patrol
"Not The Same"
Ben Folds
"Fire"
Augustana
"'40'"
U2
[Another Biblical adaptation, this one is based on Psalm 40. Fact: I heard DC Talk cover this live way back in the day!]
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My dad and I are on a Planet Earth kick now that we have an HD TV. The visuals are stunning, the colors vibrant, and the ability to just sit in awe at the beauty of God's creation is profound, even if it's happening through cable. About a week ago, we saw the “Jungle” episode, and of all the great scenes or parts, one stood way out. In the jungle, there is a type of fungus -- called cordyceps -- that will literally take over the insect it infects. Like some kind of evil genius parasite, this infection takes over the minds of the insects and manifests itself in bizarre protrusions as the insect slowly dies.
The scene we watched (which I found on YouTube and pasted above) stuck with me later in the week. At the last Tuesday night service for the College/Career ministry at my church, we were going over a passage in Colossians, and as I passed over one verse, the image of the ant dying from the inside returned to my mind.
Colossians 1:21-23 (NIV):
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.
Enemies in your minds. Think about that for a second and your mind is drawn to an illustration of sin. There is something in us, in our nature, that leads us to disobey God. Like the ant above, we are taken over by our sin as it leads us further and further toward our demise. Grim stuff, indeed. We often think of the ant's existence as endless toil, working toward something greater, but this isn't so lowly a situation. We too are called to serve someone greater in all that we do here, yet something stops us. Something inherent keeps us from that service.
But unlike the ant, we explain it away. We reason that our sins can easily be wiped away, as if to say, “no matter, God will forgive.” But this is a dangerous pose for a Christian. To take God's love for granted is to misunderstand what experiencing that love truly entails. Proverbs 28:26 (ESV) says, “Whoever trusts his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is delivered.” I was reading a devotional this morning from John Piper's Pierced by the Word, and I was really challenged by his analysis of forgiveness. We do not pursue forgiveness for emotional relief or for a free conscience. These things do happen with forgiveness from the Lord, but they are not the ends of salvation. They are means. We are forgiven so that we might truly experience the wonder of God, so that we can stand before Him in His glory unashamed. That is the goal of forgiveness, but that is not always how we pursue it.
So we are often like the ant -- double-minded -- professing our faith and excusing our ways. Proverbs 12 :8 (ESV) says, “A man is commended according to his good sense, but one of twisted mind is despised.” What we desire then is not just the cure for our ailments. What we desire is the removal of the obstruction to experiencing the ultimate satisfaction of God's love. A simplistic view of forgiveness misses this.
One of the most profound parts of the ant's story is the discovery that there is a unique strand of this bizarre, body-snatching fungus for nearly every insect in the jungle. How similar is our humanity! Lust, pride, greed, rage, sloth -- there is a sin for every man and woman on earth, one that pricks and pulls, nudging us in directions we wish to avoid. Sin specializes. Paul's description of his own sin in Romans is striking in its resemblance to the infected ant:
Romans 7:15-25 (ESV):
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
What Paul needs, what Paul desires, is to have a renewal of his mind (Rom. 12:2). He wants a deep transformation of his entire worldview. He wants to no longer conform but to fight, to move against the crowd of the sinful. This crowd concept is important, too. The ant in this jungle doesn't just die alone. He's removed from the entire colony because he also has the potential to infect others. Sin is the same way. We've all read Psalm 1, but return to it for a second.
Psalm 1:1-2 (ESV):
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
The wicked, the sinners, the scoffers -- in the first Psalm, they are not pictured keeping to themselves. These people, infected by their flesh, counsel others. They have a way. They even have assigned seating! And all of this is tempting to those near them. But blessed is the man who avoids their sin. James 4:7-8 (ESV) says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
And here's the most important part about avoiding our own cordyceps: it takes work. Submit, resist, draw near, cleanse, purify -- it takes action to receive forgiveness from the Lord. Proverbs 26:2 (ESV) says, “Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind.” In Romans, it's clear that Paul wants a clear mind so that he might leave his “body of death” and experience the love and mercy of a perfect God. His conclusion: the only lasting mental clarity that can be found is in the law of God (Rom. 7:25). If we want to avoid the manifestations of our sin, to escape the slow death of the spirit as the flesh takes over, we have to follow His law. We cannot trust our “twisted minds.” The only refrain from this body-snatching is faith. Isaiah 26:3 (ESV) says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” The promise of Colossians is our hope. It is our goal. To be present, "holy in his sight." Let that be our prayer as people of flawed flesh, of creatures with our own cordyceps. Let us focus our minds on His glory and trust in His law. Let us pray for forgiveness and clarity so that we might experience His perfect love.
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In honor of my engagement a couple weeks ago (wow! already?), I though I'd kick off my blog 2.0 with one of me and Jennifer's mixtape favorites, "I'm In Love With A Girl," a low key acoustic number from Big Star's Radio City album. Big Star is one of those bands that's way more influential than their popularity would suggest. Not quite Velvet Underground influential, but not to be underestimated, either. This song is perfect, a concise piece of music that gets right to the point. It's about exactly what the title implies, as simple and pure a statement of love as ever put to tape. I wish I'd thought of it.
The Genius function on my iPod gave me an interesting and surprisingly consistent mix this week. I have the playlist set for the smallest option (25 songs), assuming a sizable amount of those will be takeaways, too random to “fit” with the other songs. Here's what I kept for a playlist this week, reflective of my folk leanings but also diverse enough to include shoegaze, alternative, and some sixties stuff. It should fit nicely on a single CD:
“I'm In Love With A Girl”
Big Star
“I'll Be Yr Bird”
M. Ward
“Amor Fou”
Vetiver
“Magic In The Air”
Badly Drawn Boy
“Alison”
Slowdive
“This Is The One”
The Stone Roses
“Vapour Trail”
Ride
“The Ballad Of El Goodo”
Big Star
“To Be Alone With You”
Sufjan Stevens
“Care Of Cell 44”
The Zombies [This is from one of the best albums of all time. Seriously.]
“Ain't It Strange” (Daytrotter session, available free here)
Dr. Dog
“Ohio”
Damien Jurado
“Jacksonville Skyline”
Whiskeytown
“Singing Softly To Me”
Kings Of Convenience
“Thirteen” (Big Star cover)
Wilco
“I Will Dare”
The Replacements [This band wrote a song called "Alex Chilton," the name of the lead singer and founder of Big Star.]
“I Found A Reason”
The Velvet Underground
Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, so I thought I'd try to be topical with this one. There were tons -- I mean tons -- of "love songs" to put up. I make my girlfriend, Jennifer, at least two mixtapes a year, each one filled with as many songs as I can fit. But this is the first time I've had the opportunity to tie in Valentine's Day with a plug for my friend's band, Hacienda. My bud Rene plays bass with his brothers and a cousin in his 60s style band, which originated in Boerne covering BRMC and The Verve. Now they're about to start on a world tour opening for and backing Dan Auerbach (of The Black Keys fame) on his first ever solo tour. And Friday night (the 13th!) they're playing with him on Conan O'Brien. Conan. Freakin'. O'Brien.
Crazy, I know. And it's also the day before Valentine's, so I thought I'd knock 'em both out with one punch. This track, off of Hacienda's debut, Loud Is the Night, is a good fit. (Jen really does have a hold on me, and well, I really don't mind.) Dan Auerbach produced their album and plays the solo on this gem. If you get the chance, check them all out Friday night. It'll be a good way to kick off the weekend, and on Saturday, you can still get the chance to take out somebody special.
What are passions? How do we get them? Are they developed from exogenous forces that come from our environments, from places and things and situations we cannot change? Are they inspired by God? Or are they something we consciously form, something we create in ourselves?
I have struggled with this question in the wake of significant changes in a ministry I am affected by and in which I have a vested interest and commitment. A “season of change” -- to use a frustrating, but apt cliché -- has entered into the leadership, and people I feel closely connected to have left, citing an erosion of passion as the primary reason for their departure. With tears in their eyes and pain in their hearts, they spoke up in a meeting and let others know their justifiable frustrations, concerns, hopes, and ultimately, the decision to step down. As I left the meeting, I could not help but dwell on the concept of passion -- what it means, how it develops, where it comes from, how it grows, how and if it dies.
There are many angles from which we can consider the passions we have as individuals. They can come directly from God. They can come from our environment, out of our control. They can be something we create. Or, more likely, they can be a mixture of all three. If they come directly from God, there are questions to be asked. How large is our involvement in fostering those passions? Do some passions come for a season? If so, when do we know that the season is over?
I don't particularly like the environment argument, so I'll dismiss it outright. Situations are complex for all of us, but what we are passionate about is something that comes from God but is pursued by us. God uses our environment, our relationships, our struggles, our skills -- all of it -- to create an excitement about an area of ministry, work, school, or something else where we feel we can have an impact and allow God to work through us. But that word -- excitement -- seems misleading. Too often, I feel we attach passions to our feelings. We look at our situations and consider how we can use these passions to create solutions, foster growth, and lead. But nowhere in Jesus' example does His passion rest on solely excitement, on intense feelings of well-being, on happiness. Jesus sweat blood. He struggled with His purpose, His passion. At times it was not easy. It was not a smooth transition to sacrifice.
Admittedly, it is easy for me to sit and type these words, not having gone through the intense struggles and deep pains that the people who have left the ministry have experienced in the past few months. But regardless of this fact, I relate to their fears, their successes, their failures, and their pains through their passion. We worked in the same ministry. We reached the same people. We worshiped together. Why am I so fortunate to retain the great feelings of my passion for this ministry? Why, as they said, has God brought about a period where their passion has “died?”
On the other end of the spectrum are those who did not initially have a passion for our ministry. On the face of it, this seems unacceptable to many, particularly those under the passionless. But time seems to have “flipped” the scenario. Today, the passionless have been humbled, broken, and seem to have developed what they did not have earlier. How did this happen? How did passion develop where it did not exist before?
I believe that passion is something God inspires in all of us in different areas. But to deepen this idea, I also believe that it is something God inspires through the relationships we make with one another as believers and outwardly toward unbelievers. We watched a video at Amplify on Tuesday night about a ministry that provides food for homeless people -- lovingly referred to as “FHBs,” or “Fellow Human Beings.” The ministry gives a great example of how relationships can change passions by altering perceptions. The speaker in the video put it plainly (and I paraphrase, here). “It's easy to drive by someone and give them money. It's harder to come down and invest time into their lives.” I can't recall how often I've reached into my pocket and pulled out some loose change to give to a homeless person. At best, it cost me a soda that day. But when I speak to my parents about their mission trips to orphanages in Mexico, they can both recall in vivid detail -- and nearly twenty years later, in some cases -- the faces, the lives, and the places they impacted. My parents have had a passion for giving, but it only became real when they went down and made a relationship, invested time in someone's life, and spoke love into their lives. Passion is God inspired, but it is also something we have to work at on a daily basis. Relationships take careful consideration of feelings, but they also rely on the “tough love” challenges of close friends. They rely on open ears and open hearts and open eyes to deepen the calling that God has placed.
So if passions can develop by us being open to his calling, how then do they die? I still do not understand this. In truth, I may never know. But I do know that when we are most broken, when we are angered and hurting, there is a love that can cover all wounds, that can heal all relationships, that can change lives. There is a peace that passes all of our understanding, all of the inferior machinations of our futile attempts to comprehend His purpose for us. For those who stayed for the meeting, there was no shaking the feeling that love did not govern over all that was said. We left and went our separate ways, and I'm sure we all found different ways to look fondly at what God has done and optimistically at what He will do next in the ministry. But we left without loving. We left without compassion. We left without a basic passion for each other, not as “leaders,” not as “ministers.” As friends. As Christians. As Fellow Human Beings. We all -- and I mean all -- left without a passion for love. Godly, forgiving, perfect love. I am saddened, deeply hurt, and struggling to understand how I stood by and did nothing to say what God had put on my heart.
In the days ahead, there will be many challenges for the ministry, including those who stay and those who leave, whoever they might be. But the great challenge is not to find replacements. It is not to find candidates. The challenge is to find a way back to the passion that united us all together as Christians. The challenge is, for those who leave and for those who stay and for those who come, to arrive at a place where what we do is founded on love. It is to reach a level of spiritual maturity where we can comprehend the struggles, downturns, and problems with communication that come from the relationships that evangelism requires.
These words come from someone who grapples with these issues on a daily basis. My personal life is fraught with errors in judgment, lack of communication, and a deficiency of outward manifestations of His love and forgiveness. But that is no excuse for silence. That is no excuse for a greater sin of omission. I apologize to all who attended for not taking the initiative on my part to express how I felt last night. I pray for everyone who attended and pray for guidance for the great decisions they now face. I pray that where there are Christian souls, there are open hearts and open ears, attentive to the direction God is leading them to, careful to take every step toward their passions with love. That love for one another, that heart of our faith is, in the end, the greatest passion of all, the one we share regardless of where we find ourselves today and expect to be tomorrow.
If you do nothing else after reading this post, look up 1 Corinthians 3. Read it slowly. Think it through. And pray about your passions.
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Christus Vox Updated: 58 minutes ago
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